I was in the shower (with my new radio!) thinking about that last post, thinking about the friendship that ended and thinking about why it ended and when it ended. It’s 2 years and it’s time for me to come clean:
It ended at the same time I was going through a miscarriage. Even typing that I got tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. It was the saddest, most emotionally painful time of my entire life. It was a wanted pregnancy, it felt important and special, especially happening when it did, at the tail end of some extreme unpleasant shit we were going through. Extreme? Seriously, practically unbearable. When I reconnected with Shannon I knew I wasn’t in for an easy time, I knew we’d be judged and that people would scrutinize it with cruelty. I knew that. I didn’t know what I was really in for and it was very taxing, very difficult and there were plenty of days when I was ready to walk away from my relationship with Shannon but I stuck it out. Love, eh?
Anyway, it was the end of the legal madness and the start of his illness and that pregnancy-again and again and again-was wanted. Needed. I felt (correctly) that it was my one chance to have a baby of my own. My ONLY chance to have a baby with the man I’d loved for a long time and who I was starting to sense wasn’t going to be around forever. A baby that would be a piece of him.
The day I went to my first ultrasound, I went alone, I had no idea things would change so quickly, that I’d hear such terrible news and then be stuffed into an office that wasn’t equipped with tissues. I guess, in hindsight, I could have insisted that Shannon go with me. How could I have known??
Then to be told “I knew this would happen” did not help. And to be told how selfish Shannon was for not accompanying me, that also did not help.
The advice I have for any woman going through a miscarriage: ask for support and be clear, to your partner, exactly what that means. It seems, in my experience and from watching friends go through similar situations, the baby daddy doesn’t get what’s going on. He has no idea what you are going through, he doesn’t have the same emotional attachment that you did, and might not be the best help. Tell him. Draw a picture, write a letter, scream, but be clear: I need flowers, tea every half hour, a foot rub, 8,000 hugs and kisses and love. And then more love.
For the best friend: be there. Offer your love and bring it on. Don’t just sit back, be proactive. A person dealing with a miscarriage might not be able to ask clearly for your support, there’s something shameful about it, at least for me. Don’t wait to be asked, just force it upon her. It will be appreciated, even just a visit. And love and then more love.
Did I mention love?
Don’t say “this happens to almost everyone”. So what? In this moment it’s happening to ME and I don’t care what’s happened to anyone else.
Don’t say “at least this means you can have another baby”. That might not be true and it doesn’t matter anyway.
Don’t be surprised if your friend isn’t terribly interested in what your beautiful child is up to. Or that they don’t want to attend a baby shower. Or look at babies. Or anything baby-esque. It takes time to heal from a miscarriage. Most days I feel healed. Some days though, not so much. 2 years later.
And please don’t walk away from a friendship because you are “sick of dealing with someone else’s shit”. For me, that miscarriage was the peak of my “shit”. I was being selfish and needy, I apologize for that.
Are we clear? (And I seriously hope that everyone understands that there is a lot more to this story than I am willing or able to write about here. This is MY side, this is how I feel and MY take on all of it. Obviously there is a lot more to a 16 year friendship than can just be boiled down to one blog entry. And honestly, other than the tail end of it, I have nothing but extremely happy memories of her.)
I know this has nothing to do with me, but now I feel like an asshole for being a shitty and distant ersatz type of friend.
Oh, gosh. Ali. I wasn’t thinking of you-or anyone else-when writing this. Sorry. And you’re not shitty or ersatz. Distant, yes. I am pretty clear on who you are and what our friendship is all about!
Well I didn’t take it personally. I think I’m just feeling isolated, hormonal and lonely.
Miscarriage — and many medical experiences, although miscarriage is in obvious ways the most emotionally charged — is generally a personal experience that other people can’t see. It doesn’t have obvious symptoms that make it obvious to others that you’re in pain, and it’s not as if you’re limping or anything like that. So yes, it’s so important to be clear with the people you need support from, because they might not have any idea that you’re going through something so difficult. This is doubly true for people who’ve never experienced pregnancy (or worse yet, are male) as they might not be able to directly relate to the most difficult part of the miscarriage experience without having it explained to them.
So I want to second what Caitlin is saying that if you’re going through this that it’s incredibly important to explain what you’re feeling to the people who you want support from. They do want to support you but they won’t even know you need support unless you tell them — and in the case of miscarriage, there are web info pages that can make it seem like “no big deal”, so don’t let it reflect badly on people if they don’t support you without you speaking up. I know from my own experiences (with a rare disease, meaning it’s hard for people to understand it, that doesn’t become externally symptomatic until its later phases) that putting effort into being communicative about what’s happening to you and how you’re feeling is the most important thing to do in order to get both proper medical treatment and proper support from your friends and family. All these people want to be supportive, but they may need your guidance.
As to the experience that Caitlin had with her now ex-friend, it was pretty disturbing to see her so willing to betray what seemed to me to be a very long and very close friendship, whatever the motivating factor was (and I think it was complex)… But I think that some women when they have children and become a mother end up isolating themselves inside their marriage and define themselves as a “mommy” (the best in the world in their minds, not that all parents don’t think they’re the best parent of the best kid, but in some people it’s pathological) and a mother/wife alone, and reject their past lives, friends, interests, everything. This is even more pronounced after a difficult pregnancy I think where the person has so much emotionally invested in said pregnancy. You’d think that all of this would make the person more empathic to others who are struggling, but I think for some people it does the opposite. Maybe they want to see everyone else hurt worse than they did in some bitter sense of justice… I don’t know. In this case I’m sure it was made worse because of the spiraling-out-of-control obesity — at the same time that she was having the identity crisis of motherhood, she was also RAPIDLY transforming from a cute young woman to a hideous blob (no offense intended) that may well have been turning her self-loathing and sadness toward the outside world. Especially to you, since you’ve barely aged and still look so young and beautiful. That can’t be easy to cope with and I’m sure it helped fuel her anger.
Anyway, I digress, but it’s very unfortunate all around and it still makes me sad, not just because it’s sad to see a friendship of so many years decay, but because it seems to have happened so callously, and it happened at your point of need. What is a “best friend” if they’re not there for you at your point of need? I think the term is “fair weather friend”.
Not to play devil’s advocate, but what if she needed you as much as you needed her? You may recall when I picked you up at her house, one of the last times you visited I suppose, that I couldn’t even recognize her… She had bloated so much and was so swollen and pimply and just totally not looking like herself. I thought it might be some unattractive obese relative. Point is not to slag her, but to suggest that she must have felt just awful herself, looking in the mirror every day watching her fall from grace. Whether it was from overeating or thyroid issues is beside the point. I’m just suggesting that there may have been a great sadness inside her as well, and for all we know, that is still playing out.
People just don’t get it. October 22 marked 2 years since I miscarried my little Sprout. It cost me friends, connection family, and even (eventually) my job because I could not understand how they couldn’t understand. I was lucky enough to conceive again within weeks of the miscarriage and have a beautiful 17 month old boy now, but even that is not as it should be. It took a very long time for me to bond with him and for the first few months I felt like he was only temporarily mine.
I know you don’t know me, but please know that there are all too many women who understand exactly what you’re going through, and understand that you are (and always will be) still going through it.
Caitlin – the sentence where you apologize for being needy…don’t. You and I both know that this is the worst kind of grief there is. True friends are the ones who come over the very next day to sit on your bed and drink tea and just help you divert your attention from the awful grief. Or just listen when you do need to talk about it. True friends are the ones who give and don’t expect anything back…not the other way around.
For a person to isolate themselves from a friendship like yours is inexplicable. I just feel sorry for anyone who misses out on the love and loyalty you’ve always provided. XO
That’s it. I’m packing up all our shit and moving up to Toronto so you can have some friends who won’t treat you like doodoo.
I felt awful, after I went through it, on so many levels, not just for my double loss (pregnancy and best friend) but also because I knew then just how unsupportive I’d been to other girlfriends suffering the same way. I vowed, then and there, to do my very best, to make myself available and to listen, to push my way in and hold the hand of anyone who needed me to.
I hope I’ve made myself super clear, that this has caused me enormous, seemingly endless guilt. I hate talking about it, I hate dumping it on people, but sometimes I am compelled to do so, I think that is because I don’t really understand WHY this happened, I was never told why. Although I guess when someone is sick of your drama and just can’t stand to hear it any more, it’s probably best to end it. Still hurts.
Sarah, I am sorry for your loss. We might not know each other, but we have a common bond. Kiss that wee lad, he’s lucky to have you!
Libs. Man. I can see you so clearly, you have no idea how amazing and wonderful you really are. Bill and I were waxing poetic about all the good that comes from you and from being around you. I am so lucky to have you in my life, I’m always aware of that!
You’re a STRONG WOMAN. And I’m just some kid that reads your blog and doesn’t even know you. But I can tell.
“Love, eh”.
All you need is love, love… love is all you need……..
It’s true, it’s all about love. Spreading it around, sharing it and making sure everyone gets some.
all I wanted to do was hop on a plane…looking back I wish I would have. You will always have all my love, respect and support. I feel lucky to have a sister that is amazing you.
xoxo
We don’t know each other, but I really want to hug you now for what happened 2 years ago. So *hugs*!
Dearest Loveliest of Caitlins…
Reading a post like this makes me which I had 1.21 jigawatts of juice in my DeLorean. Now you have all of our support in your comments box and hopefully are feeling the love a bit more than you have been…but when you wrote this post is when I wish I could have knocked on your door, interrupted your typing and done a jig on your doorstep just to break the spell of sadness that had crept into your thoughts (even if just for a moment).
In the last 6 months 2 of my closest friends have both miscarried. As their good friend, I was at a loss for how to approach being supportive. Each woman handles the grief so differently that I wanted to say/do exactly what each friend needed of me, but was unsure what would be best for whom. In the end I tried as best as I could to offer myself up to them as best I could with the openness to phone calls at anytime etc. I hope I did the right thing and I hope that you had a couple of people who were there for you in the way you needed at some point.
I think you are fantastic. I hope you ‘feel the love’ coming from the direction of Jolly old Angleterre because I am putting it out there! You (via your blog) have certainly lifted my spirits up on more than one occasion when I needed it and for that I am grateful!
Freddie is quickly growing up (not that he’s ready to fly the nest quite yet, but he can sit up and be off the boob for 15 minute periods etc) and it seems that I will soon have more interweb time to get back into the groove of blogging and checking blogs etc. So, I look forward to having more consistent contact with you again soon.
If ever you would like to talk more, please feel free to email/msg me anytime. I think you are the bees knees lady!
You know, it’s great, all this love, I truly appreciate each and every ounce of it. But love isn’t the reason why I wrote it, not so much. I just felt like justifying what could probably be seen as petty behavior on my behalf about having my recipe used with no credit. Yeah,yeah, big suck, wah wah. I think that unless you’ve been through it, you have no idea, not a clue, what it feels like. I’m glad I got it off my chest, it had certainly been on the blogging back burner for a long long time.
And while I don’t yet feel ok about the end of a friendship, to be totally fair I think it was a long time coming and just happened to be at the worst possible time for me. Or best? I think I stressed about that more than the pregnancy.
well, i would have been annoyed about the recipe thing regardless of any other factors and no matter who did it.
Not to worry….Time wounds all heels.
Yup. My miscarriage changed Clive and I forever, specifically in that he didn’t act the way I needed him to and I still resent him a little for it, and it was 5.5 years ago.
PS. (This is inappropriate PS content.) I’m so sorry that you miscarried and weren’t given the love and support you needed. Some people don’t understand that a miscarriage can mean very little to some people, but to others it’s the death of a real baby. I’m so so so sorry.
I think I went through about 24 hours of misery before I was able to be very clear on my needs with Shannon. He felt terrible and did everything he could to comfort me after that. It was the friend, she was angry with him for that (and for a million other things, yes) but at that point hearing what a terrible person he was wasn’t helpful any more.
I wish I’d handled things differently, of course. But being forced to chose between her and him? That’s so unfair, for everyone.
And I don’t know if it was the death of a real baby. It felt more like the death of an entire future. Like you say, it’s different for everyone. I did have a very nice nurse at the hospital that was very kind and listened and let me cry and cry and hog all her time. Josie, I know you don’t read this, but thanks, a million times thanks.
I love you so much. Thank you for writing this. xoxoxo
I know I don’t comment on your blog with what could be called steady regularity, so that will probably add an extra creep factor to the fact that more than once I’ve sighed to my boyfriend that I wish we lived near you because I think he would like you (and Shannon especially, who is constantly blogging about the same things my boyfriend is verbally blogging about at home). You and Shannon seem to stretch so much more out of life than basically anyone else I know. Your blogs are almost always full of joy and it’s hard to tell most of the time that bad things happen to you, too.
It’s easy for someone on the outside of a relationship to make judgment about it. I’ve only had this one serious relationship and before I was in it, I was super judgmental about other people’s significant others. If I thought a guy was slimy I had no problem pointing it out. It took me a long time to learn that there is no possible way to get an accurate picture of someone else’s relationship. No matter what has happened throughout the course of it, no matter what someone has said about someone else, you never have all the information and you’re almost certain to get a distorted picture of badness because that’s what people talk about.
I don’t think everyone quite has a grasp on this fact and instead views other people’s partners in this weird, cartoonishly evil way, like, “Oh, he never does the dishes? He treats you like dirt!” The only thing that’s strange to me about your judgmental friend is that she is a mother and therefore old enough and experienced enough to have a grasp on the reality of relationships. I understand that when people do this sort of thing it’s out of a strange defensive loyalty to a friend, but ultimately I think it’s better to assume that your friend knows what she’s doing as far as who she chooses to be with.
Well, Rach, she was there back in 2001, when Shannon and I split up and it wasn’t pretty. She was supportive and was very much on my team. I’m sure you can remember all the ugliness that happened. And when Shannon and I reconnected it took me a long time, a really LONG time with lots of consideration and debate and I was torn a lot and had a very hard time making it all straight in my head. I do kind of feel like if I can forgive him, everyone else should too, but it doesn’t work that way, not with best friends and exes. I’m able to be friends with almost all my exes because I can remember the good times and try to focus on that, not the misery. It’s not always easy but it is rewarding, ridding yourself of negativity. I think for the best friend, I don’t know. I know she was like, well, I’m not going through that with you and him again and I KNOW IT WILL HAPPEN! That made our relationship hard, I wanted her to be my maid of honor at our wedding, but how could I when I knew she was so disapproving of our relationship?
I’m getting older too, that makes moving on easier and more important. And I took a lesson from my mother when her and my dad split up-she worked her ass off to remain friends with him, she knew it would be best, not just for the immediate family, but for…everything. For forever. You know?
And lest you think that my life is all joy and peaches and cream, here is a shortlist of the misery that I chose not to focus on: baby issues, losing my best friend, Shannon is sick and dying and when he does I lose him AND Ari, step parenting is way harder than you’d ever think, the BME legal business was indescribably unpleasant and will be revealed eventually…what else? My sister lives on the opposite side of the country, Toronto is expensive and noisy and our apartment sucks in almost every way. Sometimes I get heartburn, and I have grey hair and zits. And my period seems to get heavier and crampier as I age.
But who’s complaining? ;)
Awe honey! I too like the others, can be empathetic to your pain. I work in a daycare and the day I lost the baby I didn’t even *know* that I had, let alone wanted was like being stabbed in the back and the heart. Because it happened at work :(
Not that I am trying to one up you, but yes it DOES hurt. No matter where you are, how it happened. On. So. Many. Levels. I wish I had said something more to the other person involved, or anyone really and for some reason I never did until several months after the fact(we had a falling out). The most beautiful think I ever heard come from that mans lips: “I wish you would have told me sooner, I would have cried with you, had you let me be there.”
Your raw honesty isn’t lost on me, I hope that it helps you to heal, even if it’s just a little bit <3
Hello Caitin Jane
I have never forgotten the 1st time we met albeit a long time ago.
You nested up in the jungle jim bars – made a great a postive impression on me I will never forget and enjoy – I just did – that was a long time ago – lots of images flash by – some at Castlehom and a bunch are you at Waterloof – funny how I remember you so near now as you appear then – as Shannon (above) you’ve been near to ageless – the deeper Dorian Gray Existential BS notwithstanding – but wasn’t this OVERKILL – here I note near eof you wrote
“I just felt like justifying what could probably be seen as petty behavior on my behalf about having my recipe used with no credit.”
IMHO if there is a next time better to say
“You stole my recipe bitch.”
Thank you Richard. Your loving support is very welcome. And sorry about not making mini Shannons. Ari will have to do!
“Forget about it!”
Yes you do have my loving support.
You always have had and you always will.
The three categories in the people category of my people, places, ….., address book are family, fiends, friends.
In the great scheme of things there are a bunch of us in the same small karass = and family, fiend or friend we’re stuck with each other. Do you have any idea how crowded it can get some days on the boat. I’ve been emailling back and forth with the first big lady love of my life. She’s 32 years older than you (70) and just back from two weeks in Barbados – calls herself vicky when she posts on my site – she’s at least as nutso as you are about quilting – so here we are right now as I type – three on the boat in the sense the two of you plus me. So ….
“Forget about it!”
While you and I love Shannon maybe it’s a net benefit there only be a few. Here goes why = when I was first dating kv she volunteered that she was quite concerned that I was not taller. Back then I was 6′ 1″ but back then kv was near 6′ (a bit taller then than her brother Tom). She told me she wished I was taller and said that she would not date or ever marry someone less than 5’11″.
She knew I was a genius insofar as I had got the job in Toronto by scoring higher in a week of testing by S&K (later merged with Arthur Anderson) than the other applicants(147: but there were lots of other tests). Today I see it all as nutso – but if you remember us – back then -that was the kool-aid we were drinking.
I know Shannon’s long term memory is shot to hell but I see no evidence there is any problem with your recall except that THIS might have been so boring you didn’t bother to notice – but we were all pretty crazed so likely you did – do recall – I am referring to those sessions when Vati and I would go on and on about global warming etc etc.
And so it was – back on Big Island I’d have one of my “Hemingway” moments – like tearing the door off the truck – Shannon will remember that – and kv would run to Waterloof asking permission to leave me. Vati would send her back. Shades of “The prisoner”.
It was only a few years ago that I realized I was the Anvil to Vati’s Hammer. Mutti’s 1st choice for a husband was her 2nd cousin Otto (do you remember Bettina). Otto was one of the few to survive three years as a serving officer on a U-Boat. Everything you saw in the movie he lived and survived. Vati had refused to take in Bettina (you can’t blame him given the history if you freak over recipe infractions). After the war Otto had issues Vati didn’t. Otto lives in harms way. Vati doesn’t. Mutti chose the lucky boat but the man she loved was the 6’3″ sailor not the pacific would not harm a fly guy. I loved them all. Still do. Otto returned my favour regards Bettina by looking after Sara when she was a model in Europe. I think this should be enough to help you feel way better about yourself. “It’s all good.”
Me – if you can remember – I got exactly what I deserved. Remember me calling Mutti a Mischling. Probably not but you must be able to well REMEMBER. And oh yeah -
5’11″ was the minimum height for admission to the Waffen SS. Like the child of a divorce I only understood this stuff years later. By the time you met “us” = Vati and I were fond of each other = but that does not change the fact that I’m an Otto not a Vati. Remember I was RCN. I gronked with Otto in an instant (we went to the Auto Races across the Bay and he flew back to Germany). He trusted me with Bettina as later I did him with Sara.
If you understand what I have written you’ll feel way better about yourself and if you don’t that’s okay too.
Either way ….
“Forget about it!”
[...] 05/02/2011 at 12:52 am [...]